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Give Yourself a Proper Burial (Thoughts on Self-Loathing)

(This post was first published at my old website years ago.)

Recently my youngest daughter attempted to germinate a dry bean from the kitchen cupboard. She placed it with a wet napkin in a baggie and left it on the window sill. It sat there for days…and more days…until it showed signs of molding. And I, being the sentimental and nurturing mother that I am, tossed the baggie in the trash when she wasn’t looking.

The image comes back to me this morning as I read in Romans 6 about burial. As I look at my surroundings… attic totes everywhere, a cyclone of winter and summer clothes leaves no path through my upstairs. As I look at myself… eleven nineteen AM  and still in my bathrobe, unshowered, unfed. Really? Have I still not gotten myself together today? This year? This lifetime? 

Sibling squabbles interrupt my thoughts and I want to bury myself away from the day ahead.

I am that dried, shriveled seed. I am rotting, soon to mold and surely be tossed away. What use has God for useless seeds? 

Then I remember, all over again… death. Burial. Resurrection. Death. Burial. Resurrection. Isn’t it about time I bury my old self? Quit wallowing in the dirt of failure and go down under it instead. Finally surrender to the reality–the revelation–that I can never make improvements on what is meant for burial. 

I am a seed planted with the intention of new life. Lord, I surrender. I come gladly to the grave.


“Up from the grave He arose. He arose a victor from the dark domain and He lives forever with His saints to reign….”

“Those who receive abundance of grace and the gift of righteousness shall reign in life by one, Christ Jesus (Romans 5:17).”

Can I reign in life today? This shriveled, dry shell of a life I’ve attempted?

Perhaps resurrection is possible.

What if it really is all about what nature has been proclaiming from the very beginning?


What if I have been wintering far too long, this endless grey sky of self-loathing… when the Son longs to shine on buried seed?

What if, through the vain pursuit of God through religious ritual and self-righteous labor, we have attempted to bear fruit without ever planting? 

Perhaps it’s more about seeds than deeds.

What if it really is all about rest?

(photo credits: Creative Commons)


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